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I may eventually put something worthwhile here. Then again, perhaps I won't.

Saturday
Nov032018

A happy ending

When Marty got through to a customer service rep, he explained in no uncertain terms why he was disputing the charge to the Happy Endings massage parlor. "But the business has your card number and code," said the rep. "Has the card been out of your control?"

"Not that I know," Marty said. "I'm just telling you the charge isn't mine." When the conversation was done, Marty turned to his wife, who had been listening to his end, and said, "See? It was all a mistake." She nodded, though her icy expression didn't change.

Marty made a mental note to be more careful with his credit cards in the future. He had to remember to use the card his wife didn't know about.

 

Saturday
Nov032018

The proposal

The restaurant had a certain rustic charm and a menu with enough French words to confuse the average diner. Add to that a pianist playing traditional French songs in the style of Liberace and prices that nearly required a home equity loan, and one had the perfect locale to pop the question. Between dessert and coffee, Bryan scooted back his chair, fumbled in his jacket pocket for the ring case, and dropped to one knee.

Jessica sat transfixed, a look of horror on her face. “Bryan, no…” Too late. Bryan ran through his well-rehearsed lines. The poor fool even took her shaking head as a sign of acceptance. She fled to the ladies’ room and called a cab to meet her at the restaurant’s rear entrance.

 

Thursday
Oct182018

Fear the turtle

Sports team mascots tend to emphasize their ferocity: the Chicago Bears, Philadelphia Eagles, Carolina Panthers, Penn State Nittany Lions, Michigan Wolverines. Political correctness has forced some teams to replace mascots with watered-down versions: William and Mary is still the Tribe but can’t use the Indian logo. Similarly, the Atlanta Braves dropped long-time mascot Chief Noc-A-Homa. Fairfax High School, in Virginia, ditched Johnny Reb in the 1980s, opting to do without a mascot.

Here’s to the Maryland Terrapins, then. A school so splendidly confident that its mascot is the very definition of slowness combined with a knack for avoiding fights by hiding in its shell. A bold decision.

 

Friday
Oct052018

The lost episode

“Crikey, it’s not a ghost at all, it’s Mr. Smithers!” cried Velma, pointing at the running man, his mask having slipped from his face.

“Rister Rithers?” Scooby said, confused as usual.

“Make sure he doesn’t get away!” Daphne said. Always the sharp one, that Daphne.

“Radical, man.” That was Shaggy’s contribution.

“Don’t worry, gang, we’ve got him. Get in the Mystery Machine,” Fred said. The fivesome piled into the van, slamming the doors shut. Flakes of rust rained on the pavement. Fred cranked the ignition a half-dozen times before the engine caught with a mighty backfire. He pushed down hard on the accelerator and the van… went nowhere. He adjusted the side mirror and saw a bright red boot clamped on the rear wheel of the van.

“Shaggy, did you pay those parking tickets that you said you would?” Fred asked.

Shaggy gave Fred a big, stoned smile and said, “I would have, but I had the munchies and spent the dough on a bag of hamburgers and fries.”

“Rut-row.”

 

Saturday
Sep292018

Tomb raider

The archaeology team stared at the dusty sarcophagus. Over the past months they had painstakingly burrowed their way into the burial chamber and carefully dug out the final resting place of the so-called Black Pharaoh, who was rumored to control the spirit world as well as all of Egypt. Now the team waited for Professor Bilson to open the object. Bilson hung back, reluctant to break the seals. Bilson could see no way of avoiding the honor while still saving face before his team and so, crowbar in hand, he pried open the heavy lid. The Black Pharaoh stared at Bilson, the ruler’s eyes full of life. As the pharaoh’s consciousness forced its way into Bilson’s mind, the professor screamed.