Make Good Use of Your Sidebar

I may eventually put something worthwhile here. Then again, perhaps I won't.


Lobster salad

One of the great mysteries of life was the identity of the brave man or woman who first dared to eat a lobster. 

Ivor and his crewmate, Stephen, landed safely on the planet Xaphorus and scouted for food, as their supplies were running low. Starvation was setting in when Stephen found a lobster - or the Xaphorean equivalent - in shallow water.

"Who wants to go first?" asked Stephen.

"Oh, I'll give it a try. What's the worst that can happen? We're starving anyway." Ivor sliced open the creature and cooked it with his laser tool, taking a bite while it was still hot. "Delicious," he said.

Stephen looked suspiciously at his crewmate, but took one bite, then another. A loud thump behind him turned out to be Ivor, falling to the ground, dead. Stephen soon followed suit. The second expedition learned to avoid the lobsters.



God of the volcano

The volcano demanded a virgin sacrifice every hundred years, lest it erupt violently and mercilessly. For hundreds, if not thousands, of years, the local population had fed its need, save for the occasional unfortunate experiment every half-millennium or so.

This year the village could find no virgin, and time was running out. The UN flew in a college cheerleading squad to no effect. Same with a plane full of science nerds. In desperation, a team of elite soldiers kidnapped Michael Moore and dropped him in the cone. The volcano stopped rumbling, its need met for another century. However, the volcano god belched out Moore, who refused to stop complaining how the volcano was run.



The green revolution

My doctor said I needed more greens in my diet. I took advantage of a sale on some kale to make a smoothie. It came out the color of radioactive algae. My wife applauded my effort at improving my health. Still, I noticed she didn’t offer to drink any.

One sip was all I needed to realize that a kale smoothie might be the worst thing ever to consume, subject to the constraint that it didn’t actually kill you. I only wanted to die.

The next day, in anticipation that my wife would nag me about another smoothie, I stopped at 7-11 and bought a Mountain Dew Slurpee. Same radioactive green color, much better taste. Being health-conscious wasn’t so tough after all!



A close shave

After changing jobs, a long-time colleague told me my boss hated facial hair. I was surprised I got the job. My beard dated back to high school, and I was unreasonably proud of its neat appearance, so I kept it. The other new hire was a skinny millennial with a hip goatee who kept it as well.

The day before my review, I thought I didn't want to sit before the boss flaunting my beard so, somewhat wistfully, I shaved it completely. As it turned out, the year hadn't gone well for the firm. The boss planned to fire one of his new hires. Mr. Goatee was gone and I survived - by a whisker, you might say.



A tale of tails

As a pup, I had hours of fun chasing my tail. Round and round, the furry thing was always just out of reach. Big Man thought it was funny, and I suppose I did, too. When I tired of the game I'd stop, panting, and Big Man would scratch behind my ears. Sometimes he'd give me a belly rub.

Then Big Man took me to the Bad Place. When the wrapping came off, I found I had lost my tail! No chasing, no belly rubs, no laughs. I now chew on everything of Big Man's. I laugh. He doesn't. Serves him right.