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I may eventually put something worthwhile here. Then again, perhaps I won't.

Sunday
Aug202017

Genetic washing

In 2017, Iceland announced that it had nearly "eradicated" Down Syndrome. This was a lie. A more accurate description would be that nearly 100% of women carrying a child with the Down gene had an abortion. Delighted with this success, the government "eradicated" hemophilia, cancer, hair loss - you name it. Pregnant women were happy to participate - after all, who hoped for a child prone to teenage acne?

One day in 2037, the government proudly announced the eradication of all "defective" children. The press conference took place in an elementary school, where youngsters had once thrived. Now there were plenty to choose among, as no child had come to term in two decades.

 

Monday
Aug142017

The right prescription

I kept seeing ads for people with "Low T." They caught my eye. I'm not saying I can't... you know, but my sex drive hasn't improved with age. Maybe I did have low T.

Several doses later, I was a new man. My wife didn't know what overcame me, but she didn't seem pleased. My mistress wasn't happy, either, and both my girlfriends, while feigning delight at my regained prowess, were clearly more interested in nights out than nights in.

I complained to my doctor that the drug wasn't helping. He squinted at the label and switched prescriptions. He said the original was in error. I now get endless refills of Lipton for my low tea. Decaf, of course.

 

Sunday
Aug062017

Cooking with paprika (2)

When Frank started cooking occasionally for the family, he wasn't very good. Stella gave him a Hungarian cookbook, hoping Frank would take the hint. He did improve, but not by much. "But I'm cooking with Paprika," he'd say. "Surely you can't get more Hungarian than that." Eventually "cooking with Paprika" became his mantra.

One day Stella came home from work early and found Frank in bed with another woman. "Er, hi, Stella. This is, uh, Paprika." The redhead blushed. Stella stormed out.

When it was Stella's turn to cook, she also used the Hungarian cookbook, but substituted Old Bay seasoning for paprika. The two spices looked similar, and Old Bay had the advantage of being toxic to Frank.

 

Sunday
Aug062017

Cooking with paprika (1)

My wife complained when I started cooking that the meals were bland, so I experimented with various herbs and spices. Cilantro tasted of soap, she said, while sage was too harsh, garlic too smelly, dill too pungent, basil too sweet. There were others, but you get the idea.

My spice cabinet was looking quite bare when I decided to open one of the few remaining jars: paprika. I made a lovely goulash, if I may say so. To my surprise, she actually liked it. Once. After that, it was the usual complaints. Well, I was almost out of ideas.

It turns out that she froze well, once I had dismembered the body and discarded the inedible bits. Now my friends agree that I make the best goulash they've ever had.

 

Sunday
Jul302017

The take

The loot was all I could think of. When the cops busted me, during my arraignment, throughout my trial - I wanted the loot. I *obsessed* over it. Piles of cash, handfuls of bearer bonds, pieces of jewelry. Mine.

My sentence was a long one. I can't say I didn't deserve it, but no way was I staying inside a minute longer than I had to. I was a good boy and got the max time off. I couldn't wait to get my hands on what was mine.

At last I was free. I made a dash for the loot - and found my hiding place empty. In my mind, I heard the mocking laugh of my bastard lawyer. I should never have told him the truth.